I have not written in a week because I have not wanted to dwell on the depressing and sometimes hopeless thoughts that have been my recent focus.  God's been working on me, though, and as my baby loss friend, Shenifa, put it, "I am starting to see spring." 

Instead of staying in my house and becoming a recluse, I have decided to do the opposite...to attack this sorrow head-on and to again submit to God and learn as much as He will teach me.  So, I started several different Bible studies/devotionals this past week, one of which is a ladies' Bible study on Tuesday nights.  It just so happens that the subject of the study is, quite possibly, the hardest topic we could tackle at this time in my life.  The topic: contentment.  Seriously, God??!!  You want me to learn to be content after losing my daughter??!!  Between studying contentment and working through A Year of Hope, I feel like I'm being clobbered over the head (spiritually speaking).  But, even so, I know that God's timing is perfect, and I am meant to be studying contentment and such a difficult time in my life.

On Tuesday night, in Bible study, Deanna said something that has really resonated with me.  She said that God has the power to either change the situation or change the person.  If I had my way, I would totally pick the situation...I would wish God to be a "fairy godmother" who would strike me with a wand, and POOF!  All the pain would disappear, AND I'd be pregnant again.  But, maybe that's not what He has in mind.  Maybe God wants me to change first.  I have already changed so much since losing Stella, but maybe He wants more.  Maybe He wants me to find total peace and contentment (yes, contentment!  grrrr) in Him again, no matter what.  No matter what type of pain I have to endure and no matter what the future holds for us. 

I find the words of Kerrie Roberts to be my heart's prayer right now:

"No Matter What"

"I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I, keep asking why, I keep asking why.

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not,if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

When I’m stuck in this nothing-ness by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won't even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you'll be my strength.

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You."