I have been so much like Ely these past few weeks.  I admit it; I'm being totally impatient.  I'm back to the spending half of each month with the dreaded two-week-wait.  Yippee. Hooray.  Can you sense the sarcasm?  This month was a dud.  All I can say is that I have to stop buying the cheapie internet early pregnancy tests.  They're worse than chocolate for me. If they're sitting around, you can be sure that I will take one. I just can't stay away.

I was so hoping that God would just be merciful and allow us to concieve quickly, but that has never happened for us.  Every time that I have hoped and begged and prayed for a baby, inevitably, we would not conceive that month.  I know God doesn't work like that, but I almost feel like I am cursing myself if I hope too much.  All I can do when these feelings rear their ugly head is hold tightly to the Word of God.

Matthew 7:9-11
 ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

God, I don't want a stone, I want bread!  I long for a new little one to help ease this terrible pain.  I pray for you not to delay too long in giving us this gift.  So much do I want to hear Milo's sweet little boy voice excitedly proclaiming that he's going to have a new sibling. Please hear our cries, Lord.  We have not turned from our faith during this time of great sorrow.  We are choosing to delight in you.   Please honor our faith and give us the desires of our hearts. 

Sometimes it baffles me that God created women to bear children, and so many women I know want nothing more than to bear and raise children.  Why does God create us for a certain purpose and then deny us that purpose?  The only thing I can figure is that he wants us not to make an idol out of our children and to love Him more than we love the children we have or the children we long for.  He wants us to depend solely on Him and sit in His lap to be comforted. 

But God, can you truly understand what it is to carry a child you love more than life itself in your own body? 

Sometimes, I do wonder how God can understand this desire.  But, I know that God made women, and that as our Maker, he understands all aspects of us.  This is one of those areas I think I just have to understand that I don't completely understand.  I don't understand why God chooses to allow so many women to go through struggles with fertility and why other women can so easy get pregnant and not think twice about it.  I guess I just need to Proverbs 3:5-6.

God, it's so hard.  I am so fragile.  I don't understand.  Help me to lean not on my own understanding.

So, I wait.  I wait like my five-year-old son checking the time every few seconds.  I wait with ancipation.  I wait, undulating between having steadfast hope and utter pessimism.  And I plead.  I plead with God to please not let me go through this again.  To give me bread and not a stone, to give me the desires of my heart.

Psalm 130:6
"My soul waits for the Lord More than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning."