What do I say to Ely when his friend runs up to him excitely at church and announces that he's having a baby sister?  I am wrestling with my dear friend's pregnancy myself, so it's hard for me to encourage my son today. 

It's easy to question...

It's easy to question how two friends struggle with infertility for over two years; one is given a daughter with severe birth defects who passes away a few days after birth, and the other is given a perfectly healthy daughter.  This is the epitome of "life isn't fair."  This lesson is so much easier to accept when you're a child, and the "life isn't fair" lesson comes from your mom when your sister receives what you wanted for Christmas.  This is the type of "life isn't fair" that Ely should be learning, not mourning the loss of his sister while his friends celebrate the births of theirs. 

This "life isn't fair" lesson is the adult version. If only I could shelter my children from the world for awhile and keep them away from other new baby brothers and sisters so they wouldn't have to constantly be reminded of their sister's death.  If only I could find the right words to reach the inner recesses of a five-year-old's heart to convince him that God still cares about us, that He hasn't left us or forsaken us.

It's hard to trust...

It's hard to trust that God always knows what He's doing. It is hard to see God as God and trust His ways when all I have to go on is human logic.  It is hard to trust that God has great blessings in store for our family.

With empty arms and a broken heart, I fight to cling to the promises of God's Word instead of giving in to bitterness and resentment.  Never before has the "lean not on your own understanding" part of Proverbs 3:5-6 been so difficult.  Yet, it is exactly what I need to do.  I need to trust that His thoughts and His ways are beyond my comprehension.

Isaiah 55:89
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

God, I feel the limits of my humanity today
It's not possible for me to understand all your ways
Give me rest for my soul as I follow you
Help me to trust your purposes through the pain

For the past few months, God has been teaching me faster than I can write, and almost faster than I can process.  I heard Santus Real's "Whatever You're Doing" on the radio yesterday, and the words were just perfect to express what is going on inside of me right now. 

"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly"


2010 has been a whirlwhind, and although I have deemed it "the worst year of my life," I'm not sure I actually feel that way when I really think about it.  Maybe I should see 2010 as more of a pivotal year than the worst year.  It's been a year of pain, for sure, but also a year of growing and learning.  I'm experiencing the biggest spiritual growth spurt of my life.  In the past three months, it seems like I've grown at least ten years spiritually. 

In 2011, I am committing to record the lessons, struggles, and triumphs of my journey with God.  I am committing to take the time to consider His Words in new ways, to encourage others despite my own heartache, and to lean not on my own understanding. 

The day after our precious Stella passed away, I wrote that "God used the miracle of Stella's life to perform miracles in our lives.  We hope and pray that her short stay on earth performs miracles in other peoples' lives as well.  Nothing would honor the memory of Stella's  life more than to know that God has touched the hearts of all who know her story."  Almost three months later, I can't speak for anyone else, but God has been performing miracles in my life.  I have learned that His grace is sufficient, and I have learned what it means to choose to believe and follow.  This is Stella's Legacy: that our lives would be changed by her for His glory. 

I pray that 2011 will be characterized by the genuine on-my-knees prayer of, "What do you want from me, God?" rather than the shaking-of-my-fist yelling, "What DO you want from me, God?!"  I look forward to the answers, even though some of the answers might scare me.

 ⁵Trust in the LORD with all your heart
         And do not lean on your own understanding.
 ⁶In all your ways acknowledge Him,
         And He will make your paths straight

Proverbs 3: 5-6