It still upsets me when someone says that Stella's death was "God's Will."  I know what they mean, and technically, I guess it was God's will, but I don't like to think of God as being the one who caused her death.

I have struggled for much of my life with seeing God as a father who loves me unconditionally.  When I was younger, I tried to earn God's favor just like I tried to earn my dad's favor.  If I didn't do well enough, if I didn't perform, then I didn't deserve God's love.  In my mind, I deserved to be punished. 

I chuckle when I think about it now, but my mom used a fly swatter to discipline my sisters and I when we were little girls.  When I was younger in my faith, I used to picture God up in heaven with a big fly swatter ready to smack me down when I failed.  Sounds funny, huh? ;)  I'm sure I'm not the only one to have thought about God this way, though.

It has taken a lot of time, scripture, and prayer to work through this wrong view of God.  Sometimes, I still think God is out to get me, but usually, I am fully convinced that God loves me unconditionally and has my best interest in mind.  It is much easier to understand God's unconditional love now that I have children and want only the very best for them. 

My good friend Bethan (who lost her baby boy) reminded me soon after I lost Stella that her death was not a punishment from God.  Hearing it from someone else who had been through the horror of losing a child helped immensely.  Because I don't want to see God as cruel and heartless, I prefer not to think of Stella's death as God's will.  I know that theologically speaking, it was God's passive will, meaning He allowed it to happen (vs. caused it to happen), but I just don't want to phrase it this way.  It's hard enough for me to swallow the idea of my daughter's death being God's will; I can only imagine what someone without faith in God thinks.  Why would someone want to follow a God who wills for babies to die? 

The way I answer this is to think about my own children.  Do I sometimes let them experience something painful so they can learn, develop compassion for others, and become better people?  Yes.  It is excruciating to watch them be in pain?  Yes.  I think this is how God feels. 

I am learning more about the depth of God's love, and because in my own mind, saying Stella's death was "His Will" negates that, I would rather not think about it that way.