When I was younger and much more naive, it was easy to declare "I would never ________..."  I would fill in the blank with something I considered completely horrific - everything from calling someone a ***** to murder to doing drugs.  Okay, now don't panic.  I'm not doing drugs, unless an occasional Tylenol PM counts, but life's experience has taught me that there is NOTHING I'm not capable of without the grace of God restraining me.

Even though I'm (thankfully) not resorting to substance abuse, I understand better now why people do drugs.  When you've lived with pain, whether it be physical or emotional, for a long season in your life, you naturally want the pain to stop! Even a temporary dull doesn't seem half-bad sometimes, especially when there's no end in sight.

Some days, I'm still living in a fog when it seems surreal that my daughter was conceived in my womb, lived for nine months and five days, and was gone as quickly as she came.  Other days, I'm struck head-on at 60 miles per hour with the reality that an incredibily imporant part of my life, my Stella, is not here.  Today was one of those days. 

The reality of my daughter's absence tends to hit me harder on Sundays than other days when I'm sitting in church trying to reconcile God's goodness and grace with "why did this happen?"  Yes, I know that there are reasons and that God is sovereign.  There is a lot of good that has come from meeting Stella and watching her slip quickly from this life. But, there is no ignoring that there is joy and comfort in the MIDST of this pain, not instead of it.  And there is no ignoring the tears that still flow (uncontrollably at times) as an outpouring of this pain. 

Today I was once again ambushed by the misunderstanding of friends as I was overcome with the sorrow of desperately missing my girl.  I don't know why I have to explain that yes, even after ten months without Stella, there are still moments when my heart is still extremely tender, and how I act has nothing to do with them and everything to do with being blindsided with grief.  After an unsuccessful attempt to reconcile with someone who hurt me while I was hurting deeply, and even trying to apologize for my emotions coming across the wrong way, I feel like shouting, "IT"S NOT ABOUT YOU!"

Why is it hard to understand that hurting people don't behave in a way that makes sense?  I'm a forgiven, but yet still very fallen, child of God, and the very real acquaintence of my pain sometimes causes me to act in a less-than-lovely manner.  Do I wish I could change this?  Yes!!  And I wish I could change the fact that I'm STILL mourning the loss of daughter, but I can't, and yes, I'm going to act crazy sometimes. 

With the exception of a few friends, this grief-stricken craziness makes me feel so very alone.  Like Job, I just want my supposed friends to see that I'm hurting or at least not assume that I'm acting emotional for a stupid reason (like hormones), be there for me with comforting hugs, and not give me any advice.  This must be too much to ask for, and even more ridiculous to ask is that they not take it personally that I'm upset and create more stress and drama for me.  Yes, that's exactly what I need.  More stress and drama while I'm desperately missing my daugther and terrified of giving birth to another baby that I can't bring home with me.

So, I'm sorry.  Sorry that I can't always act the way a normal friend should.  And I'm sorry that I'm not "normal."  I won't be...probably ever.    I feel bad for expressing my pain in a way that made my friends feel awkward, but is it impossible to conceive of the fact that maybe I have a reason for acting that way and overlook it in love and MOVE ON?  Of course it's easier to ignore someone who is upset and get angry at her instead, but real love isn't about what's easy.  Boy, do I know how true that is.

Maybe this is life's way of showing me that friends really can't always be relied upon.  I know that only God can really be my ever present help in trouble, but my heart wrestles with my head to fully take hold of His help.  I just want the pain to be taken away or at least dulled for awhile.  Isn't that what people say when they take drugs?  Oh God, somehow, I need you to be my drug, because I certainly see why people resort to that...