The word daughter still brings terrible pain to my heart when I think it, say it, or hear others say it.  You see, I didn't just lose my baby, I lost my daughter - my only daughter.  And no, having another son is not going to make it all better.  Because I didn't just lose a baby that can be replaced with another baby.  I lost my daughter, my child, my Stella.  There is a Stella-shaped, daughter-shaped hole in my heart, and the hole feels even larger now that I will not have a daughter in my life.

I know friends are trying to help, but I realize more and more that I have very few friends with enough compassion to be sensitive to the fact that I am still very much broken-hearted.  The excitement of looking forward to a new baby (as surreal as it still seems) does not cancel out the pain I feel from losing Stella.  Several friends have asked me, "Don't you think you'll be filled with complete joy once you hold your new baby boy?"  Joy, yes, of course, but complete joy, no.  I expect that I'll be overwhelmed with emotion, but conflicting emotion.  I can't help but think that when I gaze into our new little one's face, I won't be able to help thinking about my little girl in heaven whom I never got to hold the day she was born.

I went into the office today for the first time in a month.  As much as I enjoy my work, going to work still makes me so sad.  I am reminded that I can go to work because my baby girl isn't here, and I'm not caring for her like I should be.  The two hours commuting time gives me way too much time to think about Stella and about my boys. 

Every time I miss a day of my boys' life because I'm in the office, I feel depressed because I can never recreate the ten hours I was apart from them.  Yet, when I'm at home, I'm still sad, and I don't feel up to playing with the boys. I can't win.  I know my boys want their mommy back.  I don't know if or when they will ever get their mommy back.  I feel guilty because I want to be the mommy my boys need, but I can't be, and then I feel even more guilty.  A terribly vicious cycle. 

Taking care of my boys reminds me that I'm not taking care of my girl.  So, I guess really everything reminds me that she isn't here. I miss my daughter, and my insides still feel turned outward.  I know that my daughter was only here on this earth for five days, and I know that she was "only a baby," but she was (correction, IS) my daughter, my child.  I birthed her, living and breathing, and there will forever be an enormous chasm in my heart that can only be filled by her. 

I do believe that God's plan is for us to have another son, but I am still honestly struggling with understanding His plan.  Trust without understanding is the hardest type of trust.  Why God? Why didn't you give us another daughter to at least fill a tiny bit of the hole in my heart?  I am wearied by fighting to believe that He knows best even though the path He has chosen for us is filled with pain.  Please pray that I will daily chose what I know to be true over what I feel so intensely.