Several months ago, before we knew the full extent of Stella’s problems, we studied Job in Sunday School. I remember feeling a personal connection to Job’s story. I wondered “Why Job?” and “Why now?” Despite my uncertainty, one thing I knew for sure was that I would NEVER be able to suffer loss as Job did and say, “The Lord Gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the Lord.”

But that’s just what God had in mind. He knew that I would suffer great loss, and He knew how I would be changed. Even in the midst of the many difficulties we’ve faced during this long and treacherous journey, I can look back now and see God’s grace and mercy poured out in my life. I’d like to list just a few of these mercies God has shown to me and to our family.

1. God allowed us to meet our daughter. When I was about 24 weeks pregnant, I prayed that God would be merciful and take our daughter home then if she wasn’t meant to live. While I thought this would be the best scenario given Stella’s bleak prognosis, God knew that we needed to meet her to learn the many lessons he had in store for us.
   
2. God allowed our daughter to know who we were. It was completely amazing that Stella knew her Mommy, Daddy, and her brothers. Our nurse for three days, Jeremy, commented that Stella never responded to him, that she would always lays still with her eyes closed until she heard our voices. She would then open her eyes and squeeze our fingers with her tiny hand. This was incredibly remarkable because usually babies with severe brain problems do not recognize people, even when they are older. Stella would relax when I held her, and when I put her down, she would open her eyes and squirm a little as if to say, “Where did my mommy go?” And although she could only open her eyes halfway, we knew she knew us. There was a deep connection that words can’t even explain. We loved her with all our hearts, and we knew she felt our love.
   
3. God confirmed our decision to let her go be with Him. By late Saturday afternoon, even while Stella was still hooked up to all the hospital equipment, she was already unresponsive except for the occasional flicker of her eyes. Even when we gave her a bath, she never moved a muscle.
   
4. God preserved my fertility. When I was being prepped for my C-section, the nurses told me my OB had ordered two IV lines “just in case.” I had no idea what that meant. Dr. Tag visited me before the surgery, and she explained that I had an anterior (front) and low-lying placenta, and that sometimes, especially with multiple C-sections, the placenta grows into the scar tissue. When that happens, there is no way to remove the placenta safely without the mother bleeding to death. In this case, an immediate hysterectomy and blood transfusions are needed.” So, on top of being scared for my baby’s life, I was now scared for my own life. Thankfully, during surgery, Dr. Tag leaned over to me and told me that the placenta came out just fine and not to worry.
   
5. God helped me understand scripture in new ways. I struggled so much with Psalm 139 verses 13-16 during this time. God (ironically) gave me the answer to my struggles through my single sister, who said “and you know what? i think she is still fearfully and wonderfully made because no matter what is wrong with her physically, she's still a tiny, completely new soul that has come into being...that is perhaps the most amazing thing of all.”
   
6. God gave me another reason to look forward to heaven. It’s not that I don’t want to go to heaven or meet God someday – I do. But, like any other wife and mother, I want to live a long life on earth with my husband and children. I don’t feel that’s wrong. Afterall, life is a gift. As terrible as it sounds, and as much as I love God, I’ve never really been all that excited about heaven. I think maybe it’s because of my human nature, that I couldn’t see how heaven is better than this life. Now I have another reason to long for heaven – to be reunited with my little girl.
   
7. God gave me an amazing husband who I have grown to know and love like never before. We have been able to share our thoughts and feelings about everything that has happened, and our prayers together have so intimate and vulnerable. Mike was so incredibly in love with his daughter, and I admire his courage to let her go.
   
8. God has given me an amazing church family that has helped us through these hard times. I love Matt Maher’s song “Hold Us Together.” It perfectly explains how I feel sheltered by both my family and my church family.
   
   The chorus says
   
   “Love will hold us together
   Make us a shelter to weather the storm
   And I'll be my brothers keeper
   So the whole world will know
   That we're not alone”
   
   We are both very grateful for all the love, prayers, and support we have received from our church family. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.