Stella's Story: Part 1

Here is the beginning of Stella's Story: Stella's Story: Part 1
The rest is coming soon!

How to Help Grieving Parents

I didn't write this, and although I think that whooever did expressed their opinions with some sense of bitterness/cynicism (and not entirely from a Christian perspective), I do think there is some good advice. These don't all apply to our specific situation, but a lot of them do.

"When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy and infant loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss. When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

  • Don't say, "It's God's Will." Many terrible things are God's Will; that doesn't make them less terrible.
  • Don't say, "It was for the best" - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.
  • Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
  • Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
  • Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
  • Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.
  • Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." Oh, great just what I wanted an angel. You're right. I didn't want my baby; I wanted an angel. I didn't want him to be my angel. I wanted him to bury me in my old age.
  • Don't say, "He/She is in a better place." What better place is there than in my arms? How is it better that my child is in heaven than with his mommy and daddy? How is that better? Since you want what is best for your children too, would you rather have your child in heaven?...Didn't think so.
  • Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. And especially don't say this and associate it with something like your isn't the same.
  • Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
  • Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before my baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
  • Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.
  • Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
  • Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.
  • Do say, "I have said a prayer for you."
  • Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.
  • Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:
  • Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.
  • Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
  • Do understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

    Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "loss" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me."


The Blog bites better than the Bullet. said...

Thank you for sharing that- I wish people had read something like this when I went through my miscarriage...a lot of people said beautiful things, and others said stupid things...all I know is they all meant well even if they couldn't express it well. much love x

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About This Blog

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This is the story of our daughter, Stella Rose, who went to be with Jesus after five days here on this earth. Stella was born with multiple birth defects due to a severe case of Wolf Hirschhorn Syndrome. Although Stella is no longer with us in person, she has changed us forever. Stella's legacy is my journey on a new road without my daughter, and how God is working in our hearts.

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