Stella's Story: Part 1

Here is the beginning of Stella's Story: Stella's Story: Part 1
The rest is coming soon!

For Real?

Finn is four weeks old today.  And I'm incredibly sad.  While I feel like I've spent every possible second with my new little boy, four weeks have vanished like a vapor. 

The reality of Finn's presence still doesn't sink in sometimes.  I watch him snooze on my honey's stomach, and part of me still can't believe he's here and he's mine.  I fall asleep snuggling him close and awake to his sweet breath and close-to-hungry wimpers.  I blink and do a double-take, and I realize that he's real. 

At the same time, I fear that I'm losing my grip on the reality of knowing Stella.  I know so many baby loss moms who would have done anything for five days with their little ones, but the time I had with her still felt so short, so fleeting.  One of the ladies in my Bible study lost her husband a little over two years ago, and she said to me one evening, "You know, the second year is harder."  Just what I wanted to hear.  She explained that the actuality of what happened sinks in more, yet is easier to accept.  I'm not sure I agree entirely, at least not today.  Today, I feel like carrying Stella, meeting her, and watching her die was all a big nightmare.  I've had a hard time grasping reality today.  It's kind of a weird feeling.

Yet I know it was real because my heart really hurts.  Still.   There are reminders everywhere.  A coworker of mine's wife just had their first child, a baby girl, and her middle name is...what else...Rose.  A good friend tells me the other day that she's giving all her baby girl clothes to another friend at church who is having a girl.  No big deal, right?  That's great that she's helping out a friend; I just don't want to hear about it.  It hurts my heart because she was saving those clothes for my girl.  The list of the little things that remind me of her absence goes on and on...

My grief is so real that I know Stella was real, but there are days and moments when memories of being with her are fuzzy.  There are other times when the time with my girl seems so fresh and recent that having Finn seems unreal, or maybe surreal is a better word. 

I wonder if I am crazy for feeling like this...but I know no other way to describe it.  This "for real?" feeling happened after Stella passed away.  I would wake up in the middle of the night, and I didn't know what was real and what wasn't.  My subconscious told me she was still with me, and I was jolted into reality upon waking.  This time with Finn, it's the opposite.  I almost can't believe he's here with me.  I wake up and realize "he's for real."  This time, it's a happy reality.  An almost utopic reality, really.  The problem is that I now have a better understanding of the value of time, and my time with Finn is an excruciating reminder of my lack of time with Stella.  Spending time with Finn also reminds me that time passes so quickly, and that every moment I am blessed to spend with my rainbow is gone too soon. 

2 comments:

Shenifa said...

Oh Jen I wish so much that I had words to say but I know that no words alone can bring comfort to a heart that has hurt that has lost. Jen just know that you are covered in prayer and that no matter what each day brings or what comes with each passing year God's great hand is upon us and we can freely give all and everything to him. If you ever need an ear to just listen for a few mintues you know I am here a phone call away. I really hope that we can soon meet in person and share together all that we have lived and learned as we have walked this road that we have walked.

Stacy said...

you could have written this for me...I'm right there with you in every aspect. It's so hard...it feels like he's not really here to stay...I miss Rachel even more...my heart hurts...and everything reminds me of the little girl who I couldn't keep...especially her little brother. And everyone around me seems to have moved on quite nicely. praying for your heart tonight ♥

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This is the story of our daughter, Stella Rose, who went to be with Jesus after five days here on this earth. Stella was born with multiple birth defects due to a severe case of Wolf Hirschhorn Syndrome. Although Stella is no longer with us in person, she has changed us forever. Stella's legacy is my journey on a new road without my daughter, and how God is working in our hearts.

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