Stella's Story: Part 1

Here is the beginning of Stella's Story: Stella's Story: Part 1
The rest is coming soon!

Phineas Jude

For thirteen days now, I've been more than blessed by the seven-pound-eleven-ounce sweetheart that I've anticipated for so long. 

We agonized for months over what to name him. 

For sixteen weeks, we had the perfect girl's name picked out, and we were 100% agreed on what to call the much-prayed-for, much-hoped-for "her."  Our dreams were dashed even before the twenty-week ultrasound when our sixteen-week growth check showed the unmistakeable turtle between our baby's legs.

I struggled for months with the disappointment of carrying a third son while I watched friends rejoice over the births and anticipated births of healthy baby girls.  I missed my daughter, and more than anything, I wanted another daughter.  Even still, I can't fully reconcile my heart's desire with God's choice to bless us with another son.  Today, I again felt the all too familiar pangs of heartache when a facebook friend announced (after her twenty-week-ultrasound), "Our prayers have been answered! It's a girl!" 

What about our prayers?  We prayed for the same thing...a healthy baby girl.  Were our prayers not answered?  Of course I know little about the ways of God, but I really thought if anyone deserved a baby girl, it was us. I believed God would add another daughter to our family to help us in our healing process.  Why did God not answer our prayers?

I think He did answer our prayers,  just not with "our answer."  One of my Dad's favorite Bible verses is Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."  I still have no idea why God didn't agree with our "plan" to have another daughter, and He chose not to bless us in this way.   During my pregnancy with our little boy, I wrestled with God's determination of our steps.  More than anything, I wanted to be fully accepting of this wrench in my plans...another son and not the daughter I longed for.

And so, I was determined that this little boy scheduled to arrive on November 9th would have the perfect name.  His name had to have a deep meaning which reminded me that his presence in our lives was planned, predestined by God, and not something I could argue with. 

We chose the name Phineas because it means "oracle."  If you look up the meaning of oracle, one of the definitions is "God-given message: a message believed to come from God in response to a request, plea, or petition."  We believe that our little Phineas is God's answer to our prayers.  Was he the answer we would have chosen?  No, but God did answer our prayers.  I don't think it is fair to say that God answers our prayers only when it's the answer we wanted.  I don't pretend to understand why God didn't feel that another daughter was in our best interest, but one of God's many lessons to me over the past year has been to "lean not on your own understanding."  Our baby boy's name reminds me that his birth was not an accident, not something I should regret; nor should I daydream about a different outcome. 

I saw a vinyl quote that I plan to plaster on my wall.  Since I first read it, it has stuck with me, and I purposefully remember it every day.  It says, "Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have."  Amen. 

What I have is a beautiful baby boy whose seven-pound body has been perfectly formed in my womb.  THAT is incredible.  There are no words that can express my gratitude for the gift of this little boy's life...that God has entrusted him to us to hold, to love, and to raise in His ways.  Phineas' middle name is Jude, which means PRAISE.  I chose Jude as a reminder to me to praise God daily for my third son.

Phineas Jude...a message from God, an answer to our plea, and for whom we give God PRAISE.  God who answers prayer.  What better name could there be for our little boy?

Even his nickname, Finn, reminds me that God's plan is better than my own.  Finn means "fair."  Yes, I supposed the connotation of "fair" could refer to color, but I am reminded that God didn't even have to give us another child after losing Stella, yet He did, and our baby boy is perfect and beautiful. 

Thank you, God, for answering our prayers and giving us Phineas Jude.  We praise you for him.


Susan said...

I love the name and the meaning behind it even more! Thanks so much for sharing. And for writing again! I miss hearing your heart. I'll give you a call soon, Jenny. Hugs!

Myrah Kauhiwai said...

Thank you for sharing this!! By the way CONGRATULATIONS on baby Finn:) I love that name and meaning!! Your such a great mother. I have always looked up to mother like you with such great appreciation in their children. God bless you and your family! take care. I can't wait to read the next chapter.

Anonymous said...

I love the way you express your feelings. You have such an amazing way with words, Jen Eber!! Phineas' name is absolutely awesome. THAT is a poweful name to have backed behind you.



Anonymous said...

That you for sharing your story with us. I am truly amazed by your strong faith and love for the Lord. He is good.....all of the time. I am continuing to pray for you and Mike as you raise your little warriors for HIM. Congratulations again on your sweet son, Phineas. I love the meanings of his names.
Debra Kauffman

Stacy said...

I completely understand your desire for another girl - and the acceptance of knowing that God knows what's best for us. I still wonder every day if He'll ever give me another girl. It feels wrong to want something different than the perfect little healthy boy He gave me, but the truth is I want them both...not a girl over him. I absolutely LOVE his name and the deep meaning behind it. congratulations!

Megan said...

Thanks for sharing, Jen!! I can't wait to meet him. =)

Beth said...

Oh, Jen. You have a true gift of expression when you're writing. It is such a blessing to read. I am overjoyed for you at the birth of sweet Finn... and this post was so poignant. John and I pray for you and Mike and your boys daily and would love to come see you soon and meet your sweet baby boy. You are so right - our prayers are not always answered in a way that we understand.... yet God DOES answer. And His answer is always the one that brings us closest to Him.
Praising God for the gift of Finn, and we will continue to pray for you.

Love you.

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About This Blog

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This is the story of our daughter, Stella Rose, who went to be with Jesus after five days here on this earth. Stella was born with multiple birth defects due to a severe case of Wolf Hirschhorn Syndrome. Although Stella is no longer with us in person, she has changed us forever. Stella's legacy is my journey on a new road without my daughter, and how God is working in our hearts.

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