Stella's Story: Part 1

Here is the beginning of Stella's Story: Stella's Story: Part 1
The rest is coming soon!

God's Will?

It still upsets me when someone says that Stella's death was "God's Will."  I know what they mean, and technically, I guess it was God's will, but I don't like to think of God as being the one who caused her death.

I have struggled for much of my life with seeing God as a father who loves me unconditionally.  When I was younger, I tried to earn God's favor just like I tried to earn my dad's favor.  If I didn't do well enough, if I didn't perform, then I didn't deserve God's love.  In my mind, I deserved to be punished. 

I chuckle when I think about it now, but my mom used a fly swatter to discipline my sisters and I when we were little girls.  When I was younger in my faith, I used to picture God up in heaven with a big fly swatter ready to smack me down when I failed.  Sounds funny, huh? ;)  I'm sure I'm not the only one to have thought about God this way, though.

It has taken a lot of time, scripture, and prayer to work through this wrong view of God.  Sometimes, I still think God is out to get me, but usually, I am fully convinced that God loves me unconditionally and has my best interest in mind.  It is much easier to understand God's unconditional love now that I have children and want only the very best for them. 

My good friend Bethan (who lost her baby boy) reminded me soon after I lost Stella that her death was not a punishment from God.  Hearing it from someone else who had been through the horror of losing a child helped immensely.  Because I don't want to see God as cruel and heartless, I prefer not to think of Stella's death as God's will.  I know that theologically speaking, it was God's passive will, meaning He allowed it to happen (vs. caused it to happen), but I just don't want to phrase it this way.  It's hard enough for me to swallow the idea of my daughter's death being God's will; I can only imagine what someone without faith in God thinks.  Why would someone want to follow a God who wills for babies to die? 

The way I answer this is to think about my own children.  Do I sometimes let them experience something painful so they can learn, develop compassion for others, and become better people?  Yes.  It is excruciating to watch them be in pain?  Yes.  I think this is how God feels. 

I am learning more about the depth of God's love, and because in my own mind, saying Stella's death was "His Will" negates that, I would rather not think about it that way.


Rhiannon said...

First of all, thank you for the kind words on my blog. It really means so much to me.

I totally agree, I don't like to think of it as "Gods will", just as something unfair that has happened in our lives. I don't think anyone, not even God, plans out the death of a much loved and wanted child.

I am looking forward to getting to know you and your Stella better as we go through this journey together. Big ((hugs)) to you!!

Jennifer said...

Hi Rhiannon,
Thank you so much for your comment! I am just getting started with my blog (I was writing notes on facebook before), and I realized that I never even wrote out the events of the week that we spent with our baby girl. I am planning on doing this soon and making a custom template with her photos (I'm a web designer).

I'm looking forward to getting to know you and your little Harper better too! I love your blog design. I've seen Small Bird Studio's work before. It's great!

Hugs to you, too!

Post a Comment


About This Blog

My photo
This is the story of our daughter, Stella Rose, who went to be with Jesus after five days here on this earth. Stella was born with multiple birth defects due to a severe case of Wolf Hirschhorn Syndrome. Although Stella is no longer with us in person, she has changed us forever. Stella's legacy is my journey on a new road without my daughter, and how God is working in our hearts.

Total Pageviews

Powered by Blogger.

Subscribe via email

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner