When Ely and Milo came home from helping Daddy clean out the cars today, I was reading Angie Smith's blog and crying intermittently. Ely asked me if they were pictures of Aidan's mommy's baby, and I said no, that these were pictures of another mommy's baby who had died shortly after she was born. I showed him the picture of Audrey Caroline, and he said, "Baby Stella died too." I told him that yes, he was right, and that she is in heaven. Ely replied, "Mommy, I'm happy." How bittersweet. Mommy's sad.

As the boys were eating lunch, Milo was looking at wall photos of Ely as a baby, and he thought they were of him. He's made this mistake dozens of times, and every time, I feel like a terrible mother because I don't have a collage frame full of Milo's first year. (I really need to fix this.) Milo says to me, "Mommy, was I born like baby Stella?" I replied, "Yes, you were born like baby Stella." (Oh boy, here comes the rush of emotions again). Then Milo continues, "Will I go to heaven too?" Fighting back the tears, I told him, "Yes, but hopefully not for a long, long time, when you are old and have had a family of your own." I explained to both of my boys that I hoped they would grow up and get married and have children. Ely says, "You kiss a girl when you get married." Mike and I laughed and both began our answers with "Well..." and Mike interjects, "That's a great plan, Ely. Waiting to kiss a girl until you get married." Then Ely wants to know if he will go to heaven too to be with baby Stella.

On our way to dinner tonight, "Everything Falls" came on the radio. Our very observant Ely recognized the song and then asked me if I created it. Surprised by his question, I replied, "No, bud, but it is one of Mommy's favorite songs." Ely told me he remembered Chad singing the song at church (at Stella's memorial service.) and "I really like this song, too, Mom." Then, as Ely randomly does, he counted the members in our family, "1, 2, 3, 4. There are 4 people in our family." I corrected him. "Actually, bud, there are 5 members in our family. Baby Stella will always be a member of our family even though she's in heaven." Pointing out the number of people in our family again, this time Ely counted to five, adding in Stella. Staring out the window (we were driving on Lake Road), Ely then pronounced, "I want to jump in the lake." Mike and I laughed heartily and asked him why. He replied, "'Cause I want to get my hair wet." Mike challenged him, "I know a way we can get your hair wet. It's called a bath." Ely smiled and said, "No" like it was the silliest idea he'd ever heard.

When we arrived at Applebee's, Ely again changed the course of the conversation and said to me, "I'm still sad, Mom. Are you sad?" Of course my answer was, "Yes, Ely, I will always be sad that baby Stella isn't here with us." Ely then admitted, "I'm sad too, Mom." For a few precious seconds, Ely held my hand (which he never does anymore because big boys don't hold their parents' hands), and he melted my heart with an "I love you, Mom." Peering over Mike's shoulder, Milo yelled to me several times, "Mommy, I love you, too." He followed it with, "Come give me a kiss." I was especially touched because our punk three-year-old often refuses hugs and kisses just assert his own little will over ours. After I happily obliged his request, Milo asked for a hug, too. My boys definitely know how to make me feel better.

Then, inside of the restaurant, when we were asked how many people were in our party, Ely says (slurring the "v"), "Five." Amazingly, I held it together and explained that while we do have five in our family, Stella isn't here with us on earth, so we only need to tell the waitress "four."

Life is such a roller coaster of emotions for us right now, and the highs ands lows change as quickly as the seconds pass. My boys make me weep uncontrollably and laugh hysterically, sometimes at the same time. I praise God for my two crazy, sweet little men who have helped make my sorrow bearable over these past few weeks.

Several months ago, before we knew the full extent of Stella’s problems, we studied Job in Sunday School. I remember feeling a personal connection to Job’s story. I wondered “Why Job?” and “Why now?” Despite my uncertainty, one thing I knew for sure was that I would NEVER be able to suffer loss as Job did and say, “The Lord Gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the Lord.”

But that’s just what God had in mind. He knew that I would suffer great loss, and He knew how I would be changed. Even in the midst of the many difficulties we’ve faced during this long and treacherous journey, I can look back now and see God’s grace and mercy poured out in my life. I’d like to list just a few of these mercies God has shown to me and to our family.

1. God allowed us to meet our daughter. When I was about 24 weeks pregnant, I prayed that God would be merciful and take our daughter home then if she wasn’t meant to live. While I thought this would be the best scenario given Stella’s bleak prognosis, God knew that we needed to meet her to learn the many lessons he had in store for us.
   
2. God allowed our daughter to know who we were. It was completely amazing that Stella knew her Mommy, Daddy, and her brothers. Our nurse for three days, Jeremy, commented that Stella never responded to him, that she would always lays still with her eyes closed until she heard our voices. She would then open her eyes and squeeze our fingers with her tiny hand. This was incredibly remarkable because usually babies with severe brain problems do not recognize people, even when they are older. Stella would relax when I held her, and when I put her down, she would open her eyes and squirm a little as if to say, “Where did my mommy go?” And although she could only open her eyes halfway, we knew she knew us. There was a deep connection that words can’t even explain. We loved her with all our hearts, and we knew she felt our love.
   
3. God confirmed our decision to let her go be with Him. By late Saturday afternoon, even while Stella was still hooked up to all the hospital equipment, she was already unresponsive except for the occasional flicker of her eyes. Even when we gave her a bath, she never moved a muscle.
   
4. God preserved my fertility. When I was being prepped for my C-section, the nurses told me my OB had ordered two IV lines “just in case.” I had no idea what that meant. Dr. Tag visited me before the surgery, and she explained that I had an anterior (front) and low-lying placenta, and that sometimes, especially with multiple C-sections, the placenta grows into the scar tissue. When that happens, there is no way to remove the placenta safely without the mother bleeding to death. In this case, an immediate hysterectomy and blood transfusions are needed.” So, on top of being scared for my baby’s life, I was now scared for my own life. Thankfully, during surgery, Dr. Tag leaned over to me and told me that the placenta came out just fine and not to worry.
   
5. God helped me understand scripture in new ways. I struggled so much with Psalm 139 verses 13-16 during this time. God (ironically) gave me the answer to my struggles through my single sister, who said “and you know what? i think she is still fearfully and wonderfully made because no matter what is wrong with her physically, she's still a tiny, completely new soul that has come into being...that is perhaps the most amazing thing of all.”
   
6. God gave me another reason to look forward to heaven. It’s not that I don’t want to go to heaven or meet God someday – I do. But, like any other wife and mother, I want to live a long life on earth with my husband and children. I don’t feel that’s wrong. Afterall, life is a gift. As terrible as it sounds, and as much as I love God, I’ve never really been all that excited about heaven. I think maybe it’s because of my human nature, that I couldn’t see how heaven is better than this life. Now I have another reason to long for heaven – to be reunited with my little girl.
   
7. God gave me an amazing husband who I have grown to know and love like never before. We have been able to share our thoughts and feelings about everything that has happened, and our prayers together have so intimate and vulnerable. Mike was so incredibly in love with his daughter, and I admire his courage to let her go.
   
8. God has given me an amazing church family that has helped us through these hard times. I love Matt Maher’s song “Hold Us Together.” It perfectly explains how I feel sheltered by both my family and my church family.
   
   The chorus says
   
   “Love will hold us together
   Make us a shelter to weather the storm
   And I'll be my brothers keeper
   So the whole world will know
   That we're not alone”
   
   We are both very grateful for all the love, prayers, and support we have received from our church family. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.