For thirteen days now, I've been more than blessed by the seven-pound-eleven-ounce sweetheart that I've anticipated for so long. 

We agonized for months over what to name him. 

For sixteen weeks, we had the perfect girl's name picked out, and we were 100% agreed on what to call the much-prayed-for, much-hoped-for "her."  Our dreams were dashed even before the twenty-week ultrasound when our sixteen-week growth check showed the unmistakeable turtle between our baby's legs.

I struggled for months with the disappointment of carrying a third son while I watched friends rejoice over the births and anticipated births of healthy baby girls.  I missed my daughter, and more than anything, I wanted another daughter.  Even still, I can't fully reconcile my heart's desire with God's choice to bless us with another son.  Today, I again felt the all too familiar pangs of heartache when a facebook friend announced (after her twenty-week-ultrasound), "Our prayers have been answered! It's a girl!" 

What about our prayers?  We prayed for the same thing...a healthy baby girl.  Were our prayers not answered?  Of course I know little about the ways of God, but I really thought if anyone deserved a baby girl, it was us. I believed God would add another daughter to our family to help us in our healing process.  Why did God not answer our prayers?

I think He did answer our prayers,  just not with "our answer."  One of my Dad's favorite Bible verses is Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."  I still have no idea why God didn't agree with our "plan" to have another daughter, and He chose not to bless us in this way.   During my pregnancy with our little boy, I wrestled with God's determination of our steps.  More than anything, I wanted to be fully accepting of this wrench in my plans...another son and not the daughter I longed for.

And so, I was determined that this little boy scheduled to arrive on November 9th would have the perfect name.  His name had to have a deep meaning which reminded me that his presence in our lives was planned, predestined by God, and not something I could argue with. 

We chose the name Phineas because it means "oracle."  If you look up the meaning of oracle, one of the definitions is "God-given message: a message believed to come from God in response to a request, plea, or petition."  We believe that our little Phineas is God's answer to our prayers.  Was he the answer we would have chosen?  No, but God did answer our prayers.  I don't think it is fair to say that God answers our prayers only when it's the answer we wanted.  I don't pretend to understand why God didn't feel that another daughter was in our best interest, but one of God's many lessons to me over the past year has been to "lean not on your own understanding."  Our baby boy's name reminds me that his birth was not an accident, not something I should regret; nor should I daydream about a different outcome. 

I saw a vinyl quote that I plan to plaster on my wall.  Since I first read it, it has stuck with me, and I purposefully remember it every day.  It says, "Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have."  Amen. 

What I have is a beautiful baby boy whose seven-pound body has been perfectly formed in my womb.  THAT is incredible.  There are no words that can express my gratitude for the gift of this little boy's life...that God has entrusted him to us to hold, to love, and to raise in His ways.  Phineas' middle name is Jude, which means PRAISE.  I chose Jude as a reminder to me to praise God daily for my third son.

Phineas Jude...a message from God, an answer to our plea, and for whom we give God PRAISE.  God who answers prayer.  What better name could there be for our little boy?

Even his nickname, Finn, reminds me that God's plan is better than my own.  Finn means "fair."  Yes, I supposed the connotation of "fair" could refer to color, but I am reminded that God didn't even have to give us another child after losing Stella, yet He did, and our baby boy is perfect and beautiful. 

Thank you, God, for answering our prayers and giving us Phineas Jude.  We praise you for him.

Happy 1st Birthday, baby girl! 

I realize now that I've never told your birth story.  I've relived it so many times in my head, but I've never written it down.  I guess there couldn't be a more perfect day to tell your story than today, huh?

When Daddy and I left the house, it was dark, rainy, and cool-the first cool morning of the fall.  I held hands with your Daddy; we hugged and prayed.  I remember your daddy pleading with God to let us keep you, for miraculous healing so that we could take you home. 

Just born

Daddy holds you for the first time

I can't even begin to explain how hard it was to go to the recovery area without you.  At first, I was by myself there, but then other mommies were wheeled in holding their newborns.  I could hear their squeaky cries and suckling noises as I waited anxiously for Daddy to return from the NICU and update me with your status.  Daddy came back and told me that Egleston had already been contacted, and a bed was open, so you'd probably be leaving today. This meant that I wouldn't be able to be with you until I was discharged on Wednesday.  The doctors told us that this scenario was the best case for your survival. 




Nana meets you

 Granddad, Nana, and your brothers were on their way to the hospital to meet you.  Nana got to meet your when your eyes were open, when you were fresh and new and full of life.  She held your little fingers and felt instant love for you. 

Ely meets you

The photos of you with your brothers right after your birth are some of my favorites.  Ely and Milo were SOOO excited to see you.  The looks on their faces were ones of absolute joy.  It was very hard for them to understand why you were so sick, though, and why they couldn't hold you.   I wish they could have spent more time with you and gotten a chance to hold you, but you were too fragile.  Even still, I am so thankful that your brothers got to meet you right after you were born.  One of my fears was that they wouldn't have the chance to meet you alive.

Daddy went back and forth from the NICU to my room until it was time for you to be transported.  I was so worried that they would take you away without me getting to see you. Gazing at you from flat on my back during the C-section didn't exactly allow me to take in all the details of your tiny face.  After waiting in anticipation for hours, the transport team finally wheeled you into my room in your isolet.  I remember losing my breath for a second when I first saw you, so small and helpless and uncomfortable.  I just wanted to scoop you up in my arms and hold you forever and protect you against all the harm in the world.  It broke my heart saying goodbye to you. 



In your transfer isolet

 Daddy followed you to Egleston and stayed with you for most of the day on Monday, your birthday.  Daddy wasn't allowed to hold you, but he was there with you, holding your hand.  That night, he brought me pictures of you.  I saw that you had been hooked up to a ventilater since you had stopped breathing in the ambulance.  It was so heartbreaking to see you, a tiny little baby, hooked up to so many machines when hours before, you had been breathing on your own, a sweet littleborn who deserved to be held and cuddled and kept warm by her Mommy's skin. 

If I could turn back time, I would have fought harder, baby girl.  I would have fought harder to have given you a better quality of life for the little time we had with you.  I'm sorry you endured so much and suffered so greatly. I wish I could have had you in my arms for the entirety of your short life instead of you having all that medical crap hooked up to you. 

I knew you weren't meant to be here long, little Stella.  I only wish I could have spent your birthday, October 10th, 2010, with you in my arms, just like I wish I could spend your birthday with you today.  In my heart, you'll always be my baby girl, no matter how old I become.  It was indescribable joy to meet you, see you, and touch you, and I was always ache for you on your birthday AND every other day that I am separated from you.  I love you, baby girl, and I miss you more than words will ever express.

Happy Birthday.

Love,
Mommy