What a difference three days makes.  For so long, I've been lying facedown in the sand,  army-crawling blindly, looking for an end to this desert.  There didn't seem to be an end. 

Over the past week, God's touch has seemed like a heavy foot forcing my head further into the sand. But what made me seethingly angry three days ago was the push I needed to shift a few feet to the right and realize there there's an oasis.  It's God himself and the strength He provides.

The Desert Song says it perfectly (thank you, Jody!). It pained me deeply to sing this and mean it on Sunday, but I did sing it, and I did mean it. 


Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

I'm not at verse 4 yet, but I can now see that the desert does not go on forever. God is leading me beside still waters and quieting my soul. 

God, please, I want to stay here experiencing this oasis.  I want to continue lying prostrate before you, but I want to be drinking from the still waters and not eating the sand.  I realize that I have a reason to sing and a reason to worship even though I'm in the desert.

I am once again back to waking up and feeling immediate searing pain.  I don't know why God has chosen to add to my suffering, but that's exactly what has happened.  It is not only difficult to watch friends and loved ones enjoy what we have lost, but now God has called me to suffer through a dear one's pregnancy in the exact same timing as my own last year...to the exact day, as a matter of fact. 

As much as I don't want to feel angry, I do.  This is the first time I have felt anger since the beginning of this dark time in my life.  I have many other intense emotions, but this is the first time for anger.  It seems cruel to me that God has intensified my pain by answering my prayer for someone else without answering my own prayer.  And not only that...it's the worst timing imaginable.  I will now have to relive the memories of my pregnancy with Stella as I watch, in agony, while another experiences God's mercy and blessing in a way I have not.

This is insane, God.  Really quite insane.  You want me to still trust that you have my good in mind when everything that has happened circumstancially suggests otherwise?   Well, then you're going to have to show me how to move past this anger and pain, because right now, I feel like I'm dying inside.