I am once again back to waking up and feeling immediate searing pain.  I don't know why God has chosen to add to my suffering, but that's exactly what has happened.  It is not only difficult to watch friends and loved ones enjoy what we have lost, but now God has called me to suffer through a dear one's pregnancy in the exact same timing as my own last year...to the exact day, as a matter of fact. 

As much as I don't want to feel angry, I do.  This is the first time I have felt anger since the beginning of this dark time in my life.  I have many other intense emotions, but this is the first time for anger.  It seems cruel to me that God has intensified my pain by answering my prayer for someone else without answering my own prayer.  And not only that...it's the worst timing imaginable.  I will now have to relive the memories of my pregnancy with Stella as I watch, in agony, while another experiences God's mercy and blessing in a way I have not.

This is insane, God.  Really quite insane.  You want me to still trust that you have my good in mind when everything that has happened circumstancially suggests otherwise?   Well, then you're going to have to show me how to move past this anger and pain, because right now, I feel like I'm dying inside.