I haven't written an update for awhile because I've had trouble sorting through my feelings. Only two weeks remain until my scheduled C-section date. Now that I'm officially on bedrest, I have even more time to think about the upcoming weeks.

First for the update - Stella's Growth:

I am very thankful that Stella went through a growth spurt and is now estimated to be over four pounds. This Friday, we will find out if she has kept up her growth spurt and has made it to five pounds. This past Friday, though, my amniotic fluid dropped to between 7 and 8. This is the lowest it has been, and if it keeps dropping at the current rate, I won't make it to 38 weeks 6 days (my C-section). Low fluid combined with the concern about her size (plus, my asthma has gotten really bad) are the reasons Dr. Potter put me on bedrest. He didn't realize that I wasn't already on bedrest, so I'm glad I have made it this far without being on more than partial bedrest. Dr. Potter told me, "No website is worth the poop in her diaper." Very funny, but very true. I keep hoping and praying we'll be bringing our baby home at some point.

Some of my struggles:

I have been praying tons, of course, but lately, I feel like I can't focus well enough to pray coherently. So, I'm glad that so many people are praying for us. I'm finding it hard to wrap my head around the fact that we will soon be welcoming our daughter into the world. Part of me still doesn't believe that this is happening. I still don't know if I will be able to hold Stella or see her before she is transferred to Egleston (where she will have surgery). C-sections are scary enough even when you have a baby to hold afterwards, but that's not going to be the case this time. I'm trying to prepare myself for recovering without her.

It's funny how certain passages of scripture never strike you as difficult or even something that you'd question until you go through certain trials. Over a month ago, in Sunday School, we were challenged to read through Psalm 139 every day for one week. I found it really hard to do because these two verses kept sticking out to me:

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

I have read these verses so many times before, but they now seem difficult to swallow. Is my baby really fearfully and wonderfully made when her heart and her kidneys aren't put together the way they should be? What went wrong? How is it that so many women drink, smoke, and don't take care of themselves while pregnant, and their babies are born perfectly healthy?

Last week in church, we sang "The Stand," which is currently my favorite worship song. One part of the song is "So what can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart, O God, completely to you." When I sing this line, I think of both my heart and Stella's little heart, because I know that we have no control over what happens. The chorus has been my prayer and what I try to focus on when I feel I am losing focus. I don't do so well when left to my own thoughts.

"So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all.
So I'll stand my soul Lord to you surrendered
All I have is yours."